Book Summaries

Here is a sampling of some of the books that have made a special impact at CCiPH, and that have been transcribed or written in manuscript. 

Mostly it is made up of quoted significant paragraphs from the book. Occasionally there are also personal comments or applications, especially at the beginning and the end of the summary.

Robbie Castleman

This book was written to encourage parents to guide their children into the joy of worship as they attend church together. As I have been doing lately, I include here the paragraphs that I highlighted as I read through it.

“There is a big difference between worship B.C. and worship A.D.—worship “before children” and worship “after diapers”! I have heard more than a few parents confess, “I used to get more out of church before I had kids.”

But the bigger issue is, What does God get out of worship? . . . [23]

Children can infringe on our worship experience. I know more than a few parents who have resented the distractions ushered into the pew by the presence of their children. Many just give up. However, children do not have to interfere with God’s experience of worship! Worship is first a blessing to God, and he values the presence and praise of children. [24]

Worship is not an hour of Christian entertainment. It is not what makes us good people, faithful Christians or successful parents.

Worship is the surrender of our souls to a God who is jealous for our attention, time and love. Worship is a challenge. With children it is a bigger challenge. [24-25]

And the trainer can even be a single parent in the pew. On Sunday mornings, this is just what I am! My husband is the pastor, so he works every Sunday and can’t sit with us. Believe me, with two boys only 17 months apart in age, I would have appreciated two extra hands at time.

In the pew, I was the worship-trainer for our family. . . . Step by step we learned how t o participate. We practiced. And practiced. And practiced. I have learned to be patient in times of discouragement, spiritual dryness and distraction. I just kept at it. I haven’t always done things the way I wanted to. In the early years, training my children to worship was lonely. I didn’t know anyone else who was doing the things I was doing with my boys. I wondered at times whether the effort would really make a difference. [25-26]

It is not a simple thing to be humiliated in your own eyes and to be before the Lord alone. A toddler can certainly contribute to the humble part, but make it very difficult to concentrate n being with the Lord. But if our hearts are fixed on being with our children before the Lord and not before the congregation, we will begin to experience great relief and freedom. [29]

We can be freed to help our children worship without the pull of external distractions or the self-consciousness of wondering what others are thinking. We can overcome the question that bothers so many parents with children in the pew: What do people thing of me because of the way my children behave?

Joy is the last word many parents would choose to describe what it’s like to sit in a pew with their children. Resentment and frustration are not uncommon feelings for people who “before we had kids” experienced an hour of peace and calm in the pew. Parenting in the pew can be a hassle. Or it can be holy. It depends on who we are and how we see ourselves. Do we sit with our children “in church” or “in worship?” [30]

We need children in our churches. They can remind us vividly what it means to be great believers. Young children have the capacity to accept as truth what is told to them by adults. [33]

[She quotes from the book Resident Aliens: Life in the Christian Colony]:

In many of our modern, sophisticated congregations, children are often viewed as distractions. We tolerate children only to the extent they promise to become “adults” like us. Adult members sometimes complain that they cannot pay attention to the sermon, they cannot listen to the beautiful music, when fidgety children are beside them in the pews. “Send them away,” many adults say. Create “Children’s Church” so these distracting children can be removed in order that we adults can pay attention. [37]

Interestingly, Jesus put a child in the center of his disciples, “in the midst of them,” in order to help them pay attention. . . . The child was the last-ditch effort by God to help the disciples pay attention to the odd nature of God’s kingdom. Few acts of Jesus are more radical, countercultural, than his blessing of children. [37]

In the dictionary worship comes right after worn, worn-out, worry, worrywart, worse and worsen. Sometimes on Sunday morning worship follows the same sequence. Getting children and young people to the worship place is too often as far as we get in helping our offspring to worship. As the dropout rate of older kids indicates, there has got to be a better way! [42]

Parenting in the pew begins with an attitude check. Are you eager or going through the motions? Are you profoundly grateful for the saving work of Christ on the cross, or are you religious by habit or culture? Are you more conscious of how God sees you in worship than of how others see you in church? Is worship time priority time? Do you talk about preparations for worship during the week? Do your children sense that, just as they look forward to birthdays, you can hardly wait for Sunday to get here?

Parenting in the pew, teaching our children to worship, is a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving that God rejoices to receive. So how do we begin the practical work of preparing this offering once our attitude is poised on tiptoes of expectancy and love? Well, Sunday morning begins on Saturday night. Our children need to hear us say to friends or baby sitters, “No, we won’t be too late; we are set to worship God tomorrow morning.” [44-45]

Starting with infants, who seem to require an enormous amount of baggage for every contingency, Sundays need to embrace the calm of Sabbath rest. Some of the distress reflected in infant fussiness in the church nursery begins with parental hurry and stress. One way to make the Sunday nursery setting acceptable to your youngest children is to take time upon arrival to linger and share that space with the infant or pretoddler. This, in turn, is easier if plans are made and all the baby’s necessities are packed up early.

With older children, beginning with toddlers, start Sundays with an announcement that the very best day of the week is about to begin. When my boys were small I set the tone by telling them, “Jesus is excited! This is his special day!”

Not only was this true, but as they got older the specialness of the day grew with them. One custom was our “Jesus music” on Sunday mornings. It is a little harder to get short-tempered when “Sing Alleluia” lingers in the air. [45-46]

Worship-as-entertainment will not accelerate the spiritual growth of our children. (Educational entertainment has not improved our children’s scholastic abilities either!) Worship needs to be the one realm in our culture that refuses to accept the world’s addiction to be entertained in order to learn.

This does not preclude creativity or change in worship, but it does mandate that worship liturgies be designed for God’s pleasure and not our entertainment. At the same time, God’s desire does address a child’s recognition of spiritual needs and interest. [55]

Entertainment is no match for worship. Entertainment fills up our time; worship fits us for eternity. [56]

Children often ask whether they can sit with their pals. When Rob and Scott asked, they were consistently told the reason they needed to stay with me: “It is much harder to pay attention to God when you want to pay attention to your friend. You will have time later to be with your friend; right now Jesus wants all of our attention because he has something to say to us.” [56]

Older infants and toddlers up to two and a half or three years old do well in the nursery. Nursing infants and older toddlers do well n the service about half of the time. Three-year-olds, and some younger children, can be trained to participate in worship that includes the creed, Scripture readings, music and offering. In most congregations, this is a little more than half of a service. By about the fourth year of age, children can be in a service of worship for the entire time. [59]

Some churches conduct “children’s church” for children well past toddler age. This may or may not include a time of worship. I feel sad when I see children older than four leave for “children’s church.” Both these children and their parents can miss a lot. I’ve been eager to guide my sons in worship and have not wanted to give that privilege away to anyone.

But children’s church can be very helpful if it is designed to train children in worship. Too many children’s churches are cut-and-paste times to keep children occupied until the adult service is over. If children are encouraged to leave the service before the “long parts,” and this continues into grade school, it’s no wonder that older kids balk and succumb to boredom when they are “too old” and have to stay in the sanctuary for the entire “adult service.” [60]

[Generally, no bathroom breaks and no diversions—toys, loose change, books, pads, pencils, etc.]

Simply telling children to “be quiet” is not the way to draw their attention to the worship that is taking place. The purpose of parenting in the pew is to train a child to worship, not to be quiet. Quietness at certain times may enhance their ability to worship, but quietness is a means to this effort, not an end. [63]

But training children to worship does not always enhance our own experience of being before the Lord, especially at first. On a feeling level, the experience of worship may seem impoverished by the demands of parenting in the pew. The number of times children must be helped to concentrate, pay attention and enter into the worship service is almost beyond counting. The effort can be exhausting. And it can be pleasing to God. [63]

If children are trained to participate at a young age, their sense of belonging and paying attention is more natural. I am very saddened by the number of older children and teens I see just standing up looking bored through parts of the service that they could participate in if they were asked. [65]

Parents can draw attention to the content of Scripture as it is read by questions: “How do you think Jesus looked or sounded when he said this?” “How would you feel if you had been there?” “What does this Scripture say about how you felt yesterday?” [66]

Questions are good for children, and they are briefer than explanations in a worship service that keeps moving along as you parent in the pew. You usually will have time to ask only one question or make one comment to draw attention to each part of worship as it happens.

When we ask our children to pay attention, we often end up doing a better job of it ourselves. It is not unusual for parents to express delight as their own sense of worship is enhanced through practicing parenting in the pew. The liturgy becomes less routine and more relevant. Not because the words have changed, but because we listen again to the familiar and find that God is still speaking. [66-67]

Whatever communicates to your child that you are serious about behavior in certain situations, whether it is the supermarket or the sanctuary, should be applied in private and with consistency. Being clear about expectations and consequence is very important, no matter how children are disciplined. [68]

Ethnic variety as well as style and generational variety helps us express before the Lord what the kingdom of God is all about. The kingdom is young and old, from every tribe and nation. Teenagers, with their appetite for change and newness, can help an entire congregation better reflect the biblical kingdom that transcends cultures, generations and personal preferences.

Teenagers were all toddlers once upon a time. Parents of toddlers think the high-school years will never come, while parents of teens think toddlerdom was just the day before yesterday. In all the seasons of childhood, there is music. [72]

During songs or hymns, encourage very young children to sing “la, la, la” with the tune if the words are totally unknown or unpronounceable to them. Children don’t mind doing this and will quickly begin to pick up the refrain or a repeated phrase. [73]

It is especially helpful for teens to know the history behind the writing of a hymn.

It is important to help children feel physically involved in worship. Even before they can read, they need to be able to hold a hymnbook or see the overhead screen. This usually means that toddlers and early-grade-schoolers stand on the pew or chair next to their parent. The parent stands with one arm around the child, either holding the hymnbook or helping draw attention to the screen.

The parent should try to sing in such a way that the child can hear the song clearly, and when necessary the parent can give instructions.

Very young children can be asked to listen for a particular word or phrase in a song. [74]

As children get older, it’s good to explain and discuss the content of hymns. This can be done prior to worship as you are settled in the pew. It can also be done at home with familiar hymns and in more informal times. Brief insights or meaning can be highlighted during the instrumental introduction to the song of hymn. Good worship leaders will often help the congregation focus on the content or worship intention of church music, and parents can direct children to listen to and understand these explanations. [75]

A crucial element of preparing children for congregational prayer is prayer in the home. From the earliest age children should be encouraged to speak to God in their own words. You can probably teach them best by sharing prayers in your own words with them. Children need to hear their parents “just talk” to God. They need to see us, and sit with us eventually, as we listen to God in silence. [83]

The church needs to hear the prayers of children, because they often reflect the best definition of faith given in the Scripture: “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” [85]

As we parent our children to love God, we need to guard against charging every situation with a deeply spiritual lesson. “Don’t judge October apples in June” was probably the best advice I ever received as a young mother concerned with the willfulness of one of my toddlers. It is a mark of our own maturing faith in God not to try to play Holy Spirit in the lives of our children. [87]

Parenting can be stressful. Especially if we try to take on God’s job as well as our own. And it is God’s job to be working in the lives of our children. [87]

Prayer is a major part of being a church family. Our children need to be a part of our relationships within that family. The answers God gives us as a family of faith are his way of loving us and encouraging our trust. [89]

Drawing children to a life of praise and gratitude is vital in a world so full of discontent and restlessness. [91]

For kids of all denominational stripes, the teen years are a typical time to step back and evaluate why they are doing what they are doing. This can be a wonderful time for us parents to share our histories and stories of faith. But we also need to share stories of failure. [92]

We need to pray for our teens. A lot. They need to know about our struggles of faith. This will do more to help them share their struggles with us and with the Lord than almost anything else.

Teens also need to be encouraged to take risks, costly risks, for the Lord. Short-term summer missions to places of challenge and deprivation can be the very best training experiences in prayer. Prayer is what it should be when there are no options. Out of teens’ own experience with God in the pew or in Peru , God can fashion young men and women who love him with all their hearts. [93]

For our first attempt at silence in prayer, I limited the time to twelve minutes. As they listened for God’s voice, I silently asked the Lord to speak a word of grace and truth to my sons.

I was shocked (O ye of little faith!) to find out that God took just those twelve minutes to put his finger on some of the deepest issues of faith and obedience in their lives. [94]

The thing that struck me after that first attempt at silent meditation in prayer was how easy it was for Rob and Scott. I realized that the boys were able to concentrate quite easily on the Scripture-scene because they had been trained from their early years to listen intently and vividly to the reading of Scripture and its exposition in sermons. [95]

Jesus told parables because a picture really is worth a thousand words; for most of us, stories are easier to grasp than abstractions. Pastors often use illustrations to help make a point they want their flock to take home. All people—but especially children—remember stories. [99]

Once I was talking about parenting in the pew with the father of a nine-year-old. He told me that he let his grade-schooler  bring a “Find Waldo” book to church for the sermon time. He had simply never thought about asking his son to listen. He liked the idea of beginning with stories and illustrations. I encouraged my friend to leave Waldo at home and to work at helping his son find the joy of worship instead.

Some churches provide pads with puzzles and games and space to draw to keep children occupied during the “long parts” of worship. Not only is the use of these pads not confined to the “long parts,” but it supports the idea that it is okay for kids to tune out during worship. The pads are provided to keep kids quiet, not to train them in worship. Using them may be easier, but the reward is paltry. [102-103]

One question I nearly always get, whether in a group session or one-on-one privately, concerns the challenges of hyperactive children. What can I do when my five-year-old won’t sit still for more than ninety seconds?” or, “My son will sit fairly still, but his mind is in hyperdrive. He thinks all the time, notices everything and wants to talk, talk, talk.” These parents frequently are exhausted, sigh pretty often and usually wish they hadn’t attended the seminar. They wanted help in keeping their kids quiet, and here I am challenging them to keep their kids alert and engaged! [133]

Ken’s conclusions from the reading: We do well to support parents who train their children in worship. In fact, for large families with single parents (such as Ellen and Kerri) we would do well to recruit close friends or relatives who can help to provide consistent individual attention to our children.

We would do well to find a way to clear out the training room as soon as possible, also. Maybe we can open up the sacristy to provide for storage of sound equipment in order to make the room.

I notice that she doesn’t really advocate for infants being trained. So maybe we continue to have nursery. I think we can also continue to have our children’s church. But it’s at least an option to help our children—and neighborhood spiritual orphans—by having adults sit with them and train them in worship, following the kind of principles found in this book. Our children are a top priority, not an afterthought, and such approaches would support and demonstrate our values.